By Kerstin Rao, Dating Mindset Coach with Curate Your Mate . 2-6-2025
At the start of a new year, we crave a refresh in our lives. At midlife, we have moved beyond fads and toward more meaningful change. If you are single and looking for a partner to share the rest of your life with, I've got three useful strategies to offer you today.
Step 1 - Write a 'Partner Values List'
We've been trained by society and the media that love will just happen in a mysterious way. Phooey, I say. I've always preferred the motto 'Luck Favors the Prepared.'
Step one is to write a carefully considered list of values that you and your partner will share.
So - what exactly do you seek in a life partner? You might start with obvious and common characteristics - honesty, faithfulness, good sense of humor. Then, dig in to the specifics of what actually lights you up.
Why be specific? Well, have you ever gone to a diner and ordered, 'Food, please.' What do you think you will show up on your plate? Do you think you'll be happy with it? Unlikely - your order is too vague and leaves way too much to chance.
Instead, if you ask for a grilled veggie burger with a sesame bun, a salad with no onion and oil and vinegar on the side, and fries, you probably have a better chance of feeling satisfied with your order.
Same principle applies to your search for an excellent-for-you partner! Get specific and enjoy making your list.
Photo - my husband and I enjoying an adventure to the Columbus Museum of Art in Ohio. I wanted a partner willing to explore new places with me, with an open and fun-loving mindset. And I got exactly what I asked for!
Step 2 - Study Dating Strategies
Have you noticed that your single friends enjoy telling their worst dating nightmare stories? That may be helpful to learn what to avoid, but if you listen to too many of those stories, you may decide dating is too scary and avoid it all together.
I recommend reading stories about other people's real-life experiences where the story ended happily. When I was single in my mid-forties, I read the wedding stories in the New York Times. Honestly, it was fascinating to discover so many different ways people met and the trajectory of their dating life.
Here is a book recommendation I offer to my clients. First Date Stories: Women's Romantic and Ridiculous Midlife Adventures by Jodi Klein. Jodi and I met when I first created Curate Your Mate. A mutual friend introduced us and we had a Zoom call where we laughed and shared insights of our own dating stories.
What's terrific about First Date Stories is that a) the stories are all true, b) you feel like you are experiencing each date in real time as it unfolds, and c) after the story, a certified social worker breaks down the pros and cons of how that first date went.
Make sure you learn safety strategies before going out on dates. It's worth the time to ask friends for advice as well as research tactics online. Create your own routines to keep yourself protected.
By looking strategically at dating, it calms your anxieties and puts you in control.
Photo: Book cover of Jodi Klein's First Date Stories, next to my Frida Kahlo mug. There is something so empowering about learning from other people's dating experiences, and Jodi writes in an engaging, funny, and affirming voice.
Step 3 - Find Local Group Events to Attend
You've considered the values you want in common with a partner, you've studied dating strategies, and now it's time to ease yourself out there. I recommend my clients find group activities on sites like Meetup that align with their interests. I've heard about dates happening after going on group hikes, for example.
Another approach is to choose a charitable activity where you are likely to meet the kind of partner you are looking for. Consider where the person you'd like to meet would volunteer - Habitat for Humanity? A local Chamber of Commerce fundraiser? Perhaps there are volunteer opportunities to assist your local first responders? Expand your search while thinking from the point of view of your potential partner.
Photo: My husband plans a 'Science Halloween' activity for our neighborhood kids each year, and we invite friends to volunteer. We get lab coats for everyone to make it more fun. You could create your own volunteer event and ask friends to bring folks they know!
You've got this...
Hopefully, reading my three steps has started your own ideas flowing. Dating is daunting, especially after you've been in a partnership for years. There are new things to learn about putting yourself out there safely and with confidence in today's social scene. By getting clear on your values, learning from other people's experiences, and testing the waters through a group activity, you will be on your way to finding your just-right partner!
I am a resource if you need encouragement and support. Book a free call with me to see if we vibe!
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